The Beer Drinkers Fault Finding Chart

19th November 2002 · Beer

Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front wet. Mouth not open while drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Drink as many as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear. Glass empty. Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Feet cold and wet. Glass being held at incorrect angle. Turn glass the other way up so that the open end is pointing toward the ceiling.
Feet WARM and wet. Incorrect bladder control. Go and stand next to the nearest dog, after a while complain to the owner about the lack of house training. DEMAND a drink as compensation.
Bar blurred. You are looking through the bottom of your glass. Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Bar swaying. Air turbulence is extremely high - may be due to a darts match in progress. Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Bar moving. You are being carried out. Find out if you're being taken to another pub - if not complain loudly that you're being ambushed by the Salvation Army.
You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent light across it. You have fallen over. If your glass is full and no-one is standing on your arm, stay put. If not get someone to help you to the bar.
Everything has gone dim, you have a mouthful of dog-ends and broken teeth. You have fallen over forwards. See above.
Everything has gone dark. The pub is closing. P A N I C ! ! !
You have woken up to find your bed hard, cold and wet - you cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. You have spent the night in the gutter. Check your watch to see if it is opening time, if not treat yourself to a 'lie-in'.